(This wedding column first appeared in the November print edition of the Hendersonian.)
The simple act of saying “thank you” is ancient, but the written thank-you note developed alongside letter writing and the social customs surrounding correspondence.
In Europe, personal letter writing became increasingly important during the Renaissance and especially during the 17th and 18th centuries. Letters were more than a way to exchange information; they were part of good manners. A gracious person was expected to acknowledge hospitality, gifts, favors, and other kindnesses.
By the Victorian era, written correspondence had become surrounded by rules of etiquette. Stationery, penmanship and wording all conveyed something about the writer. Thank-you letters were considered an important social courtesy, particularly after receiving a gift or enjoying someone’s hospitality.
As postage became affordable and attractive stationery became widely available, letter writing spread to more households. By the late 19th and early 20th centuries, note cards and correspondence cards had become familiar household items.
During much of the 20th century, children were routinely taught to write thank-you notes after birthdays and Christmas. Brides wrote them for wedding and shower gifts. Guests sent notes after staying in someone’s home, and notes of appreciation acknowledged acts of kindness during illnesses, funerals, and other important occasions.
A good thank-you note didn’t have to be long. Its charm was often in its simplicity. The writer acknowledged the gift or kindness specifically, said something personal about it, and expressed genuine appreciation.
Then communication became faster. The telephone provided an immediate way to say thanks. Later came email, texting, and social media. Today, someone can receive a gift in the morning and send a photograph that afternoon saying, “Look where I put it. I love it! Thank you!”
That brings us to a modern etiquette question: Does a text saying “Thank you!” replace a handwritten note?
Sometimes it does. Sometimes it doesn’t.
For everyday kindnesses, a sincere text, telephone call or email is perfectly appropriate. Someone brings you lunch, gives you flowers, helps with an errand or invites you to an informal dinner—a warm message may be all that is necessary.
However, some occasions still call for putting pen to paper. Wedding and shower gifts, substantial gifts, exceptional hospitality, professional kindnesses, and occasions when someone has gone considerably out of their way for you are wonderful opportunities for a handwritten note. Why? Because a handwritten note requires something increasingly valuable: time.
Wedding etiquette deserves special mention. Contrary to a persistent etiquette myth, newlyweds do not have a year to send wedding thank-you notes. They should be written as promptly as reasonably possible. You can acknowledge gifts received prior to the wedding, before the wedding, and both partners can help write the notes.
A wedding thank-you should mention the gift specifically whenever possible. Instead of simply writing, “Thank you for the lovely gift,” tell the giver how you plan to use or enjoy it. When thanking someone for money, you don’t need to mention the amount. Acknowledge the giver’s generosity and, if appropriate, explain how you hope to use the gift.
Perhaps the best rule for modern etiquette is simple: Match the thank-you to the kindness. And if time has slipped away, don’t decide it is too late. A late thank-you is far better than no thank-you.
The tradition has changed, but the message hasn’t. Technology has changed the delivery, not the sentiment. In fact, the handwritten note may be more meaningful today because it requires extra effort.
My love note: In a world where messages travel instantly, there is something special about opening the mailbox and finding an envelope with your name handwritten across the front. Someone stopped what they were doing. Someone thought about you. Someone took the time to say:
Thank you.
